Hoppes once said “Man is a collection of base, animal urges. To act on them, and experience sinful pleasure, is morally no different than taking a breath.” But we can’t all just be animals, created for the single purpose of procreation. There must be more to us and the way we choose to cohabit and to date each other.
Everyone is aware of how most modern relationships start these days, there’s only a handful of methods that won’t come across as creepy or deemed too invasive by society’s standards; and If dating apps aren’t really your thing or you are the main character in a teen Romcom, you probably get to randomly meet someone attractive at a house party, night out or café and make a connection that way, simply by telling them how you feel.
But most are either too socially awkward to do so, or too fearful of rejection and that leads them to a second method: dating apps such as tinder, Hinge, Grindr and bumble. You download them onto your phone, find someone with a nice smile and a desirable body type, swipe right or heart it and if they reciprocate it, boom a match is made instantly and almost entirely based on physical desirability.
But no matter the way you choose to find your significant others, there is one thing most of us have in common. Our initial instinct is to choose our romantic partners based on how attractive we find them, and that’s just the way it is .
But what if the perfect relationship consists of you and someone you aren’t necessarily sexually compatible with, but what you two do have, is a substantial connection?
Although it’s hard to believe anyone in this sex crazed society would give up the sexual component of relationships in the name of partnerships and ‘deep links’, a survey was publicly sent out to 18-35-year olds and the results were positively shocking.
When asked “Could you ever get into a romantic relationship with someone you are not necessarily attracted to, but have a substantial connection with?”, 46.7 % said maybe, 33.3 % said yes and only 20%bluntly said no.
But what is attraction?
In the online encyclopaedia it’s meaning reads “Attractiveness or attraction is a quality that causes an interest, desire in, or gravitation to something or someone.” ,Which is pretty straight forward with no room for misinterpretation.
If attraction were to be a person built off this short definition and the common perception we have of it; he or she would be someone charmingly casual and relaxed, yet ultimately unpredictable and flirtatious.
Attraction would wear a loose t-shirt with some 80’s band stamped on its front and distressed blue jeans, somehow constantly managing to look well put together in an outfit that would look ridiculous on anyone else.
They would definitely have witty dark jokes promptly resting under their tongue shall the occasion for one arise. It would be that person.
But, theorists such as Helen E. Fisher believe romantic attraction and lust to be far more complex.
Fisher believes that lust as well as attraction have been evolving over time, and they exist to enable people to choose a preferable mating partner in a place where there are millions of different options; trusting that without it, the world of dating and relationships wouldn’t run as smoothly. That lust, attachment and romance are completely linked and a relationship without it, totally unfunctional.
According to Fisher, attraction wouldn’t at all be the relaxed and charming individual you want to be friends with. Attraction would be the guy that you try to avoid and ignore, but ultimately have to face.
He would be the bouncer at a night club, stern, tall and bulky- always dressed in black and looking at you from head to toe, unimpressed and unbothered; his only job is to decide if you are sane/ sober enough to enter. The gate keeper.
He would be the trendy café barista working the morning shift, smile glued on and always trying to make small talk even though you clearly aren’t a morning person, and your noticeable frown an obvious indication that you would never willingly have a matinal conversation.
But still, He’d be the guy that makes you try and act civilized, because in the end, you still want to get into that club and you still want that damn Latte.
According to Fisher, attraction is not ‘that’ guy; he is ‘this guy again’.
As mentioned before, dating apps are the main platform for casual dating, but not only that, they are also commonly used for meaningless sex randevouz with someone who’s willing and wants exactly the same thing out of such encounters.
Individuals choose to match, talk and meet up off a couple of pictures and a short bio that has little to no valuable information about the person in question – its all very shallow and it’s a wonder how people actually manage to create anything deep and meaningful out of it.
In the beginning stages of a relationship that originates like this, personality and morals almost never play a significant role in decision making, which in the long run can’ t be fulfilling.
Socialist and PhD Professor Dr Carolina Matos shares her views on dating apps and what impact they have on society, backing up what was said before:
“Dating apps fit into “post-modern” relationships of the Internet age: they are very focused on the visual and offer people possibilities of “choice” and play, and in this sense fit very well the consumption and individualistic dimensions of our capitalist societies.
Here are people on display, “to be looked at”, and we can flip through various profiles and be quite picky on the type of person that we want, who “fits all the boxes”, quite similarly to how we would be “buying a product” online. In most cases – but not all, as people still meet online in a way which they could not before, and in this sense this space is good for you to find people outside of your inner circle – these relationships can be very transitory and disposable.”
A few decades ago, people used to get into relationships to have sex, but now with it being so available and completely detachable from feeling; people like ‘Rose’, 21 are exploring uncharted waters, and taking on relationships that are a little different and unconventional.
Relationships more so focused on partnership, affection and love rather than sex, and this is how she initially describes hers’ and her significant other’s relationship:
“At this point its laughable that there’s still no label for the type of love and magic we have. you meet someone right? that’s ground zero, you start talking to them and then you become acquaintances, let’s say that rises it to 20 %, you get coffee a few more times and become friends, it rises to 65%.
They become your bestfriend at 70%, you fall in love at 80/90%. This relationship we have goes far above the 100 % line, we just really love each other and see the world in each other.
The relationship we have transcends relationship labels, and all that I really understand is that I love her. We have actually never met in person and if the internet wasn’t what it is today, we wouldn’t have met.
I am demisexual, which means that to truly be attracted to someone I need to know them. its all based on emotional attraction. We are both like that “
Then I asked if she is sexually attracted to her girlfriend and just how they manage to make it all work when they have actually never met face to face;
The female body, I’m not at all attracted to. I observe it and appreciate its beauty, but it just doesn’t do it for me. Men do it for me, I am very attracted to the male body, but once again there has to be a deeper connection there.
Another thing about my sexuality is that I am polysexual or polyamorous. This has happened to me many timesbefore, I have been attracted to multiple people at once and its confusing, but an open relationship like this gives wiggle room. If I really have an itch to get with someone, all I have to do is go out and hook up with someone, and that gets satiated.
Anything that I can get outside of the relationship, that I want from outside of the relationship is solely to deal with my attraction to the male body, she can’t give me that and we both know that and that’s fine we can’t help sexual attraction. There’s no repression or guilt with us.
I don’t worry about wanting something or someone different because I don’t have to leave the love of my life for it. That’s the thing with relationships that are tooreliant on physical attraction, one day they’ll want different things and they won’t be able to get past that. It’ll fall apart.
I don’t view this as a relationship without sex, I view it as being with the one person on earth I truly want.”
what does sex bring to the table, what does it do to your brain and can a romantic relationship go without it?
According to multiple scientific researches and studies carried out on the human body, it’s now known that during sexual intercourse there an increase in production of oxytocin, which is commonly referred to as the “Love Hormone”.
It happens just before orgasm and its often released alongside endorphins- women are known to produce more of it.
Nevertheless, the release of this hormone accompanied by the loss of activity in the orbitofrontal cortex, which is the section of the brain responsible for reason and decision-making; is what makes us humans completely infatuated and obsessed by sex.
Orgasms are also known to stimulate your brain in the same way drugs, listening to your favourite songs or eating a gratifying dish does; Incredibly enough, the brain isn’t actually capable of differentiating between sex and other pleasurable experiences. Technically, making it completely replaceable in that department.
Only necessary for reproduction.
In the light of what ‘Rose’ has said and research findings,we got Dr Carolina Matos to also weight on the possibility of a sexless relationship and the essentiality of attraction when it comes to having strong long-lasting partnerships.
“The answer is no. It’s not vital.
There are people that are not necessarily very sexual andcan love another person and be in a relationship without the sex.
People start relationships for all sorts of reasons. From “arranged marriages” to partnerships that are built on other factors – the need for companionship and/or emotional stability or financial security, attraction is something that in many cases can also develop over time.
Research has shown that the “passionate love” that one feels towards another is usually short lived and can last a maximum of three years or so, whereas then afterwards if there are no foundations to relationships it can lead to a breakup.
Human beings are too complex creatures to be able to generalise and point to a “one model fits all”. There are many different reasons why people date and get married, and these can be culturally specific and dictated by religion or social norms, or at times they also be solely guided by the “mere physical law of attraction.
People’s sexual behaviour also differs enormously, with some people more addicted to sex whilst others are satisfied with more conventional approaches and others still are happy being in a celibate or low sex relationship if other factors tick the boxes, such as a string degree of friendship or companionship or even financial and emotional stability.
following from all the answers above it should be evident by that attraction is not an essential element for a long-lasting relationship but having said that it still remains a crucial part of it and is still one of the key ingredients that can guarantee a more successful and long-term partnership.”
Rose’s and Dr Matos’ testaments clearly demonstrate that sexless relationships, although not mainstream and conventional can and often do work- showing that if the two partners are willing to focus on aspects such as friendship, affection and partnership they can love each other vicariously through that.
Two very interesting points to also draw from Dr Matos’interview, is that physical attraction sometimes take its time to develop, and even if that in itself never grows into something substantial, there is always a quality about your significant other, that draws you in and it’s deemed desirable.
It could be their humour, devotion, respect for you or charm- If you choose to be with them, you are somehow and, in some way, actually attracted to them.
But there are times love and affection isn’t enough to keep a relationship going.
Allie, 20 has been with her girlfriend for approximately a year and has never been open about their sexual incompatibility; although she doesn’t want the relationship to end because of lack of attraction, she does find herself longing for normalcy.
“I’ve been dating this girl for 10 months now and when we first started, I fully knew that I was not physically attracted to her. But she has a beautiful mind and her personality is incredible. Somehow, I consciouslyconvinced myself that I was capable of being in a relationship based off intellectual and emotional attraction alone.
Later, I realised that I find it really taxing having to become intimate with her, as a result I subconsciously bring up stupid fights on occasion where we would normally have sex.
I do love her, but I’m not physically and sexually attracted to her like that. I’ve recently lied to her and told her I made a decision to be celibate and feel horrible.
It’s like there’s a level above being just friends and just below being sexual partners.
I feel as though I would be able Pursue a long-termthing with my partner if I was seeing other people solemnly for sex, however, it’s stemmed from a selfish trait because I would not be ok with my partner seeing other people at all.
It’s all very hard, because I think telling her would mean the end of the relationship which is not what I want”
Also, not so positive is Sex therapist Dr Java Shivani’s perception on lack of physical attraction in possible romantic relationships; unlike Dr Matos, Dr Shivani doesn’t believe romantic love exists without such component. For in her mind, romance and sex must always walk hand in hand.
“Sexuality is the building block we build the relationship onto. Without it there is no true love between a man and a woman. There is rarely true pure love in this world as isee. But sex is something that creates and holds that bond and connection between a couple. It is a way of sharing love. If You house doesn't have a foundation
Attraction is the key element and connection in all the two levels is crucial, for no other components surpass the element of attraction.
Sometimes you can be in love with someone you aren’t attracted to. But in that case the "love" is not real. There is a lesson to be learned there and it is especially important to understand that if the sex doesn't work, it usually never will.”
All that Rose’s and Allie’s as well as Dr Matos’ and Dr Shivani’s statements show, is that it’s all incredibly relative. We don’t always know exactly what we want until we try it out and just about everyone has a different idea and notion of what the perfect love and relationship looks like.
Some want physical relationships full of passion,something straight out of Mexican Telenovelas and Brazilian erotic books; Some want stability and a more gentle/romantic type of love; and others look for friendships and then find soulmates through them.
Sexless relationships can work, and the lack of physical attraction can often be substituted by admiration, love and partnerships. but it would be too unrealistic to expect everyone to try something like this, because for many that initial attraction to their significant other is vitally important, and how can something so personal ever be defined or labelled as wrong?
* Some names were changed for privacy issues.
All art by Natalia Matute Mali @talimatoots
Written by Sofia Mendes.
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